Better

Ok, Im doin better... Thank God. I am hopeful that I'm gonna survive this heart break and be more secure and happy in the end. :-)

Only because I know that at this point my life is in God's hands and on my own I CaN't but with God I WILL survive. Am I cured and over J??? Nope not even close... but Im gonna be ok.

Just thought you'de like to know...

Lost & Lonely

Have you ever wanted soo badly for something good to happen for someone you love but in the process of that happening you don't necessarily win???

I am in the middle of that and I feel like I am breaking inside and yet at the same time so happy for them because this is something they want and need. In the end it's best for me too but it hurts so bad that at some points I feel like I can't breathe. LOL Dramatic I know, but it hurts and out of no where I feel soo lonely... Funny thing is that he is just goin to another part of the city... not even leaving the area but yet I feel like this next week is my last bit of time and he laughs at me because he doesn't see why this will be the end of "us"....

I must be just too emotional right now but I needed to just vent this for a minute... Does this make any sense??

Whew!

Funny how I just haven't felt like saying much lately but yet I seem to have so much to think about. I spent this weekend working at the fireworks tent for my church. It's a huge fund raiser and is a chance for me to get to see people I haven't seen in years. But, I stood up there working the cash register and watching people as they came and went....

You know what's funny?? We take so much for granted... One lady came in with a friend and 3 little kids and they were pretty scuzzy lookin and she couldn't afford anything in there but she bought each of the kids a punk (It's like an incense, really slow burning lighter for fireworks) and said here ya go... The little ones were happy with that...

And I was whining because I wanted to go buy subway cause my stomach was growlin... and then my husband and I bought quit a few fireworks to put on for our kids... So... guess it has just stuck with me how much I have and don't give thanks for.

Im thankful for my family, my friends, my church, my job, my home, for everything that God has blessed me with... I have soo much to learn and I am still struggling with the "J" situation... but I am sooo thankful that God has been merciful and I am soooo trying to get my life back on track....

But at the end of the holiday time, I just felt like saying "WHEW" I made it through that... now onto another day... Just a thought :-)

I Surrender All

My best friend blogged the words to "Jesus Be the Lord of All" and the more I think about it the more I know I want the at to be true in my life....

I've lost focus of what is MOST important and that is my soul and the souls of those around me.

I just want to do what's right and Im not right now. But as long as God is merciful with me I am going to find that place again. So, I just wanted to say "Thanks Ang for that reminder"

Long Time NO Talk

It was brought to my attention that I hadn't blogged in a while. Guess it's been exactly a month today that I last put anything in here. The reason being that I have nothing new to say.. :-)

I hate broken records or people who just tend to go on and on and on about the same thing over and over again. And yet that is my life at the moment..One big ole broken record. lol Not really in a bad way and yet it is so I just tend to stop when I have nothing new to talk about.

It's a rollercoaster ride that I just don't WANT to get off of so I haven't. I wish things were different yes but I don't want to change the aspects of them that make it crazy. SOOOO that is why there is no update. I don't want to let J go and so Im not. But, for the record, and Shell and Ang can attest to this. He doesn't seem to want to let go of me either so therein lies my happiness as well as the dilemma??? Don't know what to say you guys. Nothing new. I want him, and I want him in my life and I don't want to just be his friend. There is the 100%, God's honest truth. SOoooooo, Im still right here in this same spot I've been for a while...

There's the update Beck...LOL

Sorry I don't have something more to your approval..:-) I wish I could be more of what everyone wants me to be but Im just being me now... Big disappointment isn't it?? never knew I was soo bad at heart... did ya? Well, I didn't either... not happy with that but I really am happy when Im with J... Ok, sorry you asked???

Little Bits of Nothin

There's this little piece of me that I feel is missing... and all weekend I keep thinking about that saying "Thanks for Nothin". LOL well I just feel like I have these little bits of nothin that people (2 in particular) have given me. Sounds horrible I know, but truthfully when you try to add them all up, they just don't. But here I am, stupid woman that I am, trying to give big pieces of myself, my heart, & my soul away (to 1 in particular). They just don't want it, at least I don't know how he can accept it in the situation he's in now ( and big question is still, does he want it?).

Guess I have been too happy with little bits of nothin. I am not for one minute saying that everyone takes and all I do is give... OH NO WAY!! I take way too much from others too. But I give to the wrong people. NO Im not any wiser than I was earlier in the week.. I've just had lots of time to think. Ok I know this sounds like a riddle and in a way it is. I just needed to vent for a moment..

Hope everyone's weekend has been great.... Hopefull the next entry will make more sense. :-)

The Wheels on the Bus go Round & Round

Isn't it funny how children's songs can actually have so much meaning behind them?? LOL I had a really long day at work and then had class tonight and the song that keeps goin in my head is "The wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town".

Well the more I thought about it the more I realized that life is just like that. Life keeps going no matter how sad or broken you feel. No matter how happy or sunny it is outside. No matter what is happening in the moment life keeps on going and things keep on changing, ALL the time.
And even though, for some reason, right this minute I want to cry. I know that if I just wait a little bit, something will happen and I'll be laughing... My kids will come home and they will bring the sunshine into the house and I'll be ok...

So no big declaration tonight... Just a thought that hit me... The Wheels on the Bus will just keep on goin round and round and Im just along for the ride.