Am I Growing Up or Old?

Better

2006-07-29T21:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, Im doin better... Thank God. I am hopeful that I'm gonna survive this heart break and be more secure and happy in the end. :-)

Only because I know that at this point my life is in God's hands and on my own I CaN't but with God I WILL survive. Am I cured and over J??? Nope not even close... but Im gonna be ok.

Just thought you'de like to know...

Lost & Lonely

2006-07-19T19:58:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wanted soo badly for something good to happen for someone you love but in the process of that happening you don't necessarily win???

I am in the middle of that and I feel like I am breaking inside and yet at the same time so happy for them because this is something they want and need. In the end it's best for me too but it hurts so bad that at some points I feel like I can't breathe. LOL Dramatic I know, but it hurts and out of no where I feel soo lonely... Funny thing is that he is just goin to another part of the city... not even leaving the area but yet I feel like this next week is my last bit of time and he laughs at me because he doesn't see why this will be the end of "us"....

I must be just too emotional right now but I needed to just vent this for a minute... Does this make any sense??

Whew!

2006-07-05T19:43:00.000-04:00

Funny how I just haven't felt like saying much lately but yet I seem to have so much to think about. I spent this weekend working at the fireworks tent for my church. It's a huge fund raiser and is a chance for me to get to see people I haven't seen in years. But, I stood up there working the cash register and watching people as they came and went....

You know what's funny?? We take so much for granted... One lady came in with a friend and 3 little kids and they were pretty scuzzy lookin and she couldn't afford anything in there but she bought each of the kids a punk (It's like an incense, really slow burning lighter for fireworks) and said here ya go... The little ones were happy with that...

And I was whining because I wanted to go buy subway cause my stomach was growlin... and then my husband and I bought quit a few fireworks to put on for our kids... So... guess it has just stuck with me how much I have and don't give thanks for.

Im thankful for my family, my friends, my church, my job, my home, for everything that God has blessed me with... I have soo much to learn and I am still struggling with the "J" situation... but I am sooo thankful that God has been merciful and I am soooo trying to get my life back on track....

But at the end of the holiday time, I just felt like saying "WHEW" I made it through that... now onto another day... Just a thought :-)

I Surrender All

2006-06-29T23:11:00.000-04:00

My best friend blogged the words to "Jesus Be the Lord of All" and the more I think about it the more I know I want the at to be true in my life....

I've lost focus of what is MOST important and that is my soul and the souls of those around me.

I just want to do what's right and Im not right now. But as long as God is merciful with me I am going to find that place again. So, I just wanted to say "Thanks Ang for that reminder"

Long Time NO Talk

2006-06-20T17:40:00.000-04:00

It was brought to my attention that I hadn't blogged in a while. Guess it's been exactly a month today that I last put anything in here. The reason being that I have nothing new to say.. :-)

I hate broken records or people who just tend to go on and on and on about the same thing over and over again. And yet that is my life at the moment..One big ole broken record. lol Not really in a bad way and yet it is so I just tend to stop when I have nothing new to talk about.

It's a rollercoaster ride that I just don't WANT to get off of so I haven't. I wish things were different yes but I don't want to change the aspects of them that make it crazy. SOOOO that is why there is no update. I don't want to let J go and so Im not. But, for the record, and Shell and Ang can attest to this. He doesn't seem to want to let go of me either so therein lies my happiness as well as the dilemma??? Don't know what to say you guys. Nothing new. I want him, and I want him in my life and I don't want to just be his friend. There is the 100%, God's honest truth. SOoooooo, Im still right here in this same spot I've been for a while...

There's the update Beck...LOL

Sorry I don't have something more to your approval..:-) I wish I could be more of what everyone wants me to be but Im just being me now... Big disappointment isn't it?? never knew I was soo bad at heart... did ya? Well, I didn't either... not happy with that but I really am happy when Im with J... Ok, sorry you asked???

Little Bits of Nothin

2006-05-20T21:49:00.000-04:00

There's this little piece of me that I feel is missing... and all weekend I keep thinking about that saying "Thanks for Nothin". LOL well I just feel like I have these little bits of nothin that people (2 in particular) have given me. Sounds horrible I know, but truthfully when you try to add them all up, they just don't. But here I am, stupid woman that I am, trying to give big pieces of myself, my heart, & my soul away (to 1 in particular). They just don't want it, at least I don't know how he can accept it in the situation he's in now ( and big question is still, does he want it?).

Guess I have been too happy with little bits of nothin. I am not for one minute saying that everyone takes and all I do is give... OH NO WAY!! I take way too much from others too. But I give to the wrong people. NO Im not any wiser than I was earlier in the week.. I've just had lots of time to think. Ok I know this sounds like a riddle and in a way it is. I just needed to vent for a moment..

Hope everyone's weekend has been great.... Hopefull the next entry will make more sense. :-)

The Wheels on the Bus go Round & Round

2006-05-17T21:14:00.000-04:00

Isn't it funny how children's songs can actually have so much meaning behind them?? LOL I had a really long day at work and then had class tonight and the song that keeps goin in my head is "The wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town".

Well the more I thought about it the more I realized that life is just like that. Life keeps going no matter how sad or broken you feel. No matter how happy or sunny it is outside. No matter what is happening in the moment life keeps on going and things keep on changing, ALL the time.
And even though, for some reason, right this minute I want to cry. I know that if I just wait a little bit, something will happen and I'll be laughing... My kids will come home and they will bring the sunshine into the house and I'll be ok...

So no big declaration tonight... Just a thought that hit me... The Wheels on the Bus will just keep on goin round and round and Im just along for the ride.

Been a While

2006-05-16T18:39:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a while since I last wrote anything but I haven't really known what to say or where to begin. I still don't really... My life has taken all kinds of turns and dips and really I don't know what to say anymore... all the talkinig in the world doesn't make any of this make sense to me.

I love a man that isn't my husband and he already has a wife. I have two children who deserve a whole mom and this mom has felt (up until recently) like a whole bunch of little pieces of one. I have been smiling more lately and I have tried to spend more time with my kids. The whole detox thing?? Not gonna happen... I jumped off the wagon and just chopped it up for firewood. :-) Sorry, guess that wasn't a good joke but I am just wanting to be happy and complete and for now, that's how I feel when I have J in my life.

So for now... It's all status quo for me right now... Im making through each day and grabbing each moment.... My life is at this moment just full of stolen moments...

So here's to stealing them as often as I can... :-)

Round 2

2006-05-06T16:28:00.000-04:00

I have had all these off the wall thoughts going on lately and it has brought me to the realization that Im really tired of being a mess. You know, I was talking about being a woman of quality but I also want for myself to be stable and on a firm footing. I guess life is full of all kinds of sacrifices and victories and accomplishments. Well, Im about to make one of the biggest steps for me and that is to "TRY" and get back into the pace of doing what's right.

So, Shell I guess I'm back on your detox plan.. LOL Will it be easY??? NO... but hopefully it will accomplish one thing. That is to do what I know is right. I have been, in the words of Beck, giving the milk for free... LOLOL and yeh I really don't know how or if I will accomplish this. But Im really gonna try you guys.

I will try not to be a crying, grouchy mess all the time but please be patient with me. I don't want things to end with J but I don't want to end up getting busted either and then have everything blow up even more. If this were my dream space?? J would be mine and I would be his and we would love each other and betogether forever. I would get to laugh with and love someone who has become sooo special to me. My kids would get to know this man who has brought a sparkle back into their moms eye and has made her feel giddy and young again.. :-) Reality is... He will stay with his wife and hopefully somehow I will still be able to smile and maybe even get to laugh again but it will be without that something special... Ok Im starting to cry and that accomplishes nothing..

Im sorry that these blogs are just soo full of drama... Maybe someday I'll have more happiness to express. You guys just make sure you live your life to the fullest and be as happy as you can be everyday. That's what I wish I could learn to do.. and that is what I truly want to teach my kids to do...

The Best Things in Life Aren't Always Free

2006-05-02T18:25:00.000-04:00

You know that saying that the best things in life are free?? I don't know about that. I guess free is good sometimes but sometimes what you get for free has no quality, or substance and just doesn't last. Quality is something you usually have to work hard to acquire, whether it be monetarily or emotionally or mentally.... It's got hard work behind it. I have had this thought today that "I" want to be someone of quality.. not just your run of the muck ordinary woman but what my friend Paula told me this weekend is that I'm a woman of worth... Am I???

I really want to be and used to think I was. I lived my life to the standards that God and my family would be proud of. Lately, I have made several, HUGE mistakes.. I feel like my worth or quality has slipped away..and it has made me feel like much less of a person. Sure don't feel like a woman of worth. And if I am, what is that worth really?? I have given up a part of this worth to be a part of this other mans life. Now, don't get me wrong.. I love him and he doesn't treat me like that.... He tells me Im beautiful and sexy and that I deserve so much more. He treats me like he cares...and that in itself is a whole nother blog really...LOL

I just want to be someone that people would be honored to know or that they can say.. "She's a woman of quality" and to get that I will have to work hard at it. I want people to be better for having known me. I want to make a difference to others and to myself.. I just feel like Im boiling over with all these thoughts and emotions right now...but the main one is that I want to be of good quality... and really the best things in life aren't necessarily free... their acquired through the work of someone who loves something or someone enough to work HARD for them.

That's what I want to be... Worth working for and proof that the best things in life aren't free...

Priceless Friends

2006-04-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

I have always heard that if you have one TRUE friend then that is worth more than a handful of untrue friends. Well, I have been blessed with more than one true friend and I am thankful that one of them has come all the way from Tennesee to visit. :-)

We had brunch and then sat and talked for hours... I am sooo thankful to her for being here and taking the time out to give me some of her words of wisdom. Is it some kind of miracle cure that will make me wiser and smarter?? No. Will I finally do all the things I know I need to do to get myself out of the mess Im in?? No. But, it does give me hope that I CAN do what needs to be done and come out of this a better person for it.

So, really I just want to say thank you to you guys who listen and advise and don't give up on me when I don't necessarily take the advice and run with it. I still hear everything you say and am thankful that you care enough to talk. Please be patient with me and try to understand that none of this is easy or cut and dry. I just want to be a good person and do what's right and obviously Im screwin all that up...

I just pray that God is patient and merciful with me and doesn't give up on me...

Have You Ever....

2006-04-25T18:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had an experience that just made you speechless? Or had an emotion that just took your breath away from the raw intensity of it?? I don't know how often I can say that's happen to me.. but I do know that there is a point in life where having that experience or feeling that feeling is just soooo worth it..

I think the letdown comes when that experienc/feeling is over and reality sets back in and you realize you may never have that feeling again...I guess the fear is that in reality life is soo ordinary and we don't take good enough care of those special moments soo fear of never having another is a sad thought... I guess that's just on my mind today. Cherishing the gifts that come into our lives no matter for how long or how short a time and then taking that experience and keeping it close to your heart is something that I don't do well. Im greedy in the fact that I just want more and more of the same...LOL I know, I'm just rambling on but the thing is this... Love, happiness, fun, laughter, and even tears at times are emotions that make up the emotions of who we are and how we experience life.. I just don't want to go through it in fear.

Somehow I want to learn to accept all that comes my way and to get all I can from each moment because you just never know when it won't be there anymore... And it's like that story in the movie Never Been Kissed... I want that "first kiss" where the world disappears and all there is, is just you and that person... I guess metaphorically I want that in life. I want to stop looking so far ahead that I miss the present and all the experiences and gifts that are right here right now.

Guess I was just wondering if anyone else has ever had a moment like that....
Have you ever??

Beginning a New Week

2006-04-24T21:49:00.000-04:00

Mondays are always so much the same it seems. You are starting another week and dreading it because it means work has once again begun. But I've heard it said that Tuesdsays are the oddest day of the week. And really it is in sooo many ways.. But "I" look forward to Tuesdays. :-) It's a special day for me and a friend and I LOVE that time...

I have this idea that I am still on the journey of finding whatever happiness I can each day and although I know one of my friends will hate this..I have to say that he puts a lightness in me that isn't there normally... So, NO I don't want my ONLY happiness to come from him but I do know that ALOT of my happiness comes from the time I get with him. But, I found one thing out this weekend... My kids are a GREAT, BIG, HUGE source of my joy as well.... My daughter has this great personality and she makes me laugh till my side hurts sometimes. My son loves to snuggle and hug on me and that brings a peace to me too...

Sooo see Beck..."HE" isn't the ONLY source of joy for me... Just ONE of the main ones...
I know that I have alot to work out but for now I am soooo enjoying every minute I can with both J and my kids.... I found that it makes me a happy person... and the laughter makes me feel like a whole person...

Im just reachin for the stars... but doin it here on earth :-)

Saturday and Lovin It :-)

2006-04-22T18:59:00.000-04:00

It has been the most beautiful Saturday... I am lovin this weather. :-) The sun and warmth and the beautiful breeze... Makes me feel a peace and calm.. God sure has blessed us in sooo many ways.

I know I haven't talked about God much lately.. But in case you didn't know it, he really is a huge part of who I am and why I have made it this far in life. I have grown up believing that God will be there for me and he always has been. I know I don't deserve the mercy or love that he shows me daily but Im soo thankful that he does it anyway.

I just wanted to spend a few moments in remembering why it is that I feel so humbled daily by the beauty around me. And that's because this great big world was made by an even bigger, greater God. :-)

Nothing Really

2006-04-20T19:31:00.000-04:00

I don't really have anything to say today... I have tons I wish I could say but all of a sudden I feel like Im saying too much and now I just don't know anymore. Im happy with someone I shouldn't be happy with and Im bursting to talk about it but one friend pointed out today that Im wrong...

So, I guess the purpose of this blog really isn't the same anymore. I want to enjoy every moment that I can with the man that I've come to love and I know it's wrong but I can't seem to help that he makes me smile and laugh more than I have in forever... But I don't want to make the people I care about to think of me as an awful moralless person or to just not want to hear about it anymore... I don't know who to talk to anymore..but I can't change the fact that J makes me happy and Im not giving that up unless I have to..

I really appreciate all you guys have done by being here for me but I promise from now on..my secrets and my happiness and my love I will keep to myself from now on.. No more boring or upsetting you with my crap... :-)

Love yall....

A Wonderful Day

2006-04-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

Today was a wonderful day... I know it was Monday but it was just a wonderful day... I laughed and enjoyed the day and work wasn't all that bad either..Plus my accounting teacher wasn't there and we had a sub so we got out couple hours early then I came home and tanned and was pretty much lazy for the rest of the night.

I started the week off with a good day like I talked about in my last blog entry.. I don't have alot to say because if I did it would involve talk of the man that contributed greatly to my good day as well. And well Im pretty sure by now you all have got to be tired of hearing about him... LOL But for the record he was the reason I laughed so much today... He's really a great guy who makes me feel beautiful and wanted.. SSoooo anyways.... Guess I'll talk to yall tomorrow..

Night.. :-)

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T16:09:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone's easter was a happy one full of the remembrance of what God sacrificed for us. I know what he did and I think about that daily because I soo don't deserve his love or grace but luckily he gives it anyways. :-)

I really don't have much to say because Im just not sure where to start these days. My husband still hates my hair and has let me know it often and since yesterday was his birthday I guess he felt that gave him full rights to make me feel like the lowest most ugly creature alive.... So, I just didn't talk to him... LOL

Not really so funny but Im soo tired of arguing that, that seemed the way to go... I am hoping for a new week that is full of GOOD days... I'll let ya know how that goes...

Kept Thinking It Was Friday

2006-04-13T17:53:00.000-04:00

Boy, this day was sooo strange... I kept thinking it was Friday all day and then someone would remind me it wasn't and it was soo disappointing to realize I have another day of work to deal with. Not so hard to do most of the time except for the fact that it has been gorgeous outside and I have had spring fever forever now. LOL

Im thankful though for the sun and the warmth and just ready for the spring season to begin. There's something calming and peaceful about being able to have your windows open and hear the birds sing. Or sooo relaxing to walk barefoot at the beach and watch the sun go down while sitting on the piere.... All things I used to do often and now find I never do... Oh well....I will have to start them again but this time with someone who likes me and not the one who is yelling at me because he can't stand my hair COLOR.... What's with that??

Anyways...don't feel like talking about him or even thinking about him sooo just wanted to say how beautiful this weather has been and how thankful I am for the fresh air...

True Friends are Priceless...

2006-04-09T19:19:00.000-04:00

I have been fighting this cold for almost 2 weeks now and it has worn me out...I feel drained all the time and like I need to just crawl back in bed and sleep till I finally wake up feeling better.

Sunday has been an emotional day for me and all I wanted to do was thank my friends who let me vent and cry on their shoulder for a while.... I appreciate you guys more than you'll ever know...and want you to know that if ever I can return the favor?? I will ALWAYS be here for you... I have learned one thing in my 31yrs of life, true friends are almost impossible to find and are priceless in every way and even though I don't deserve you guys, I am sooo thankful to God for you because you have helped me to be a better person.

Thank you guys...I love you all :-)

Impossible

2006-04-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

I spent Friday evening watching movies and eating dinner at my best friends house. But this cold pretty much made me miserable....So far today I have spent my whole Saturday studying for my accounting test...Very exciting don't ya thinK??? Well I decided to take a break and download some new songs onto my MP3 player and I found this song.

There's this song that Christina Aguilera sings called "Impossible". I heard it for the first time this weekend and it's just talking about how impossible it is to love someone when they won't let you... It's a very truthful song... :-) Just a thought... LOL

My mind is just bouncin all over the place today, guess it's this cold medecine... :-) I am trying really hard to be in a good mood and to just enjoy my family and I am definately enjoying the sun... Can't wait for the warmth to come with it... I have this sadness that keeps wanting to sneak into my mood. Guess things aren't gonna be great right away but I miss my friend already and he isn't even gone...but I know he soon will be and at the point when he leaves I will probably not ever see him again. And that makes me feel like a part of me is just fading away... What if I fade back into the old me...the one who is scared of change or is just happy to have things be OK instead of the way I want them?? He brought something out in me that made me brave enough to go for things that "I" wanted... And I know he's looking for another job so it'll be no time before he moves on and not from my lack of wanting but I probably won't ever hear from him again because He may want it that way...

So I not only lose a friend but also a love... Life changes sooo quickly... and it goes so fast...didn't see it coming and now Im watching it go.. HHmmmmm You know the thing is, this time last year I was such a different person and in such a different place. I believe that I am stronger now and I AM braver. Im gonna remember that so that I don't fade away but Im gonna use this sadness to build something new on... A friend told me not long ago that everyone comes in and out of our lives for a reason...and if I can't keep him in my life then at least I know that he DID have a reason... :-) I found ME!! and that was missing for a really long time...so, if nothing else my kids will get to have a mom that is more rounded and HAPPY...so even though that sadness is here... I'll be just fine and better for knowing and loving him... So, if ever he reads this..."Thank you J for helping me find ME"....

Made it Through the Week

2006-04-06T19:31:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday and so far this week has been pretty good. I have continued with my treck of friendship with my "special" friend. I have done ok but it's hard because I love this man. :-( Crazy of me to be soo stupid as to fall in love with someone other than my husband, I KNOW! But I didn't really get a say in it...it just happened and by time I realized...WOW it was too late for me...Have I told him?? NO WAY! He doesn't need the stress of knowing that...because he would assume I have all these expectations of him, which I don't..because I know he doesn't feel the same. I believe he cares about me but I don't think he wants to have to be responsible for another persons feelings right now. His plate is pretty full and I don't want to be just another responsibility for him. I wanted to be someone to share things with and to enjoy things with and to be someone he could love just as me.... But I will always be thankful to him for showing me what that something was that was missing...

Am I giving up on my friendship with him?? NO WAY! not unless he just stops being one. But I am gonna stop trying to force something that isn't there for him...will I always love him?? Yeh.. because J brought out this side of me that I thought died along time ago.. and he has made me laugh and loosen up. Thanks to him I won't be a 40yr old woman carrying a cane and beating up men just because their men LOLOL (kind of an inside joke) Would I still want to have a relationship with him if things or circumstances changed and he was open to the idea of loving me as much as I do him in return?? DEFINATELY.... But Im gonna move onto concentrating on my kids and not missing anything about them as they grow up...

Funny thing is that my mom called a little bit ago and asked me if I really wanted to make this marriage work or if I just want to let go... I just want to let go.

CHAOS

2006-04-04T17:11:00.000-04:00

I took today off to spend with my kids because my daughter is on spring break from school. It has been total CHAOS!! They have sooo much energy and I have somehow caught this stupid cold so my energy level is even lower than normal.

My house looks like a tornado hit it and all I want to do is lay down and sleep... UGH!!! Well, at least the sun is shining and it isn't too cold out so I thank God for the beautiful weather. I really don't have alot to say today because my brain is too fuzzy to think at the moment.

Ok, I will hopefully feel better and have lots more to write about tomorrow... :-)

Something Close to Calm

2006-04-02T18:55:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday and for the first time in a while I feel something close to calm and peaceful. :-) I know that this all may seem like a bit of an over-reaction but unless your in my spot and have experienced my situation.... I don't think you have a clue of what goes into doin what you gotta do to just survive or make it through that time in your life.... So for the record I am way more worried about taking care of me so that I can take care of my kids than I am about your opinion in how I do that..and if the steps I took to find that peace didn't make sense to you... TOUGH!!... LOL they made sense to me... :-)

Well, not alot to say today... Mainly workin on homework and just being glad that my stomach isn't in knots or that my husband and I haven't had a major argument for 2 days. In my life that is definately an accomplishment. Hope everyone's weekend went well and Im sure I'll have plenty to fill you in on once my week gets goin.

Here's to continued peace of mind :-)

Plain ole Chicken :-)

2006-03-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

I call it "Self Preservation" but I guess I really am just a plain ole chicken...LOLOL I played hookie from work today because I just couldn't face another day of dealing with the not knowing when it comes to my goodlooking friend at work. Monday & Tuesday were these wonderful days full of affection and then Wednesday he is soo standoffish but not mean or rude just distant...and of course I take it personally. No surprise there I guess but then when I come home my night ended with this wonderful blow out of a fight with my husband and so I finally felt I just couldn't take any more.

I didn't want to deal with J or M so I just stayed home and avoided both.... Chicken??? Yep!! 100%..... My friend is calling it detoxification.. LOL gotta love that... I wanted to call or IM and say hey this is what's up but then it dawned on me.... Hey, he didn't even care enough to call or check on me and you know I would of been worried about him if the rolls were reversed so then it hit me... Am I just a piece of A** that he wants or is his heart involved at all in this??? Could be but God knows I can't deal with the ?????'s right now... I think he cares but he has a really strange way of showing it...

So, I decided to continue with the detox and stay home tomorrow as well... This is a short one I know but I have to go spend time with my kids cause I've been slacking there...and I am from now on gonna get my priorities straight and they are #1 on that list...

I'll keep you updated on how firm I'm able to stand on the no contacting J rule... :-) ok, until later....

WHATEVER!!!

2006-03-29T18:46:00.000-05:00

WHATEVER!@ What does that statement really mean?? I guess it's exactly how I feel today. WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER.... LOL You know it seems like my moods just jump all over the place lately and then something hit me while I was at work (acting like I was working) :-) I started out blogging because I needed a place to vent that was totally just there for me to say whatever I felt and not have to worry about bogging others down with my crap.

And the reason I felt that need was because I had lost myself and who I was in the world that was my husband. So, I started searching for ME. Who am I?? What do I want? What makes me happy? and in that process my life started changing and I allowed another man into my life who now has become sooo important to me... and then my emotions, my wants, my needs started being affected or changing by his reactions and moods. And BAM!! Just like that I'm in that same spot I was.... I was now losing myself again in a new man... Now what does that accomplish???

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!! It puts me right back at square one. Now, I know this.. and I know that needs to change. So, Im sitting there talking to my friend Shell and she is telling me all this stuff I already know I need to do but the thing is... I just don't know how. And to be brutally honest with myself I don't WANT to. I want J in my life because most of the time he makes me laugh and feel good about the ME I am Now.... but I DON'T want to lose who I am in him.. and I know, he doesn't want me to base my emotions on him or to be responsible for my happiness....soooo OK BECK!! HELP!! are they hiring at Hilltop??? cause my first step to figuring out how to get out of this mess is to get some space... I just can't do it when I see him and am around him alllll day, every day...

My new set of goals: First be able to smile anyways, just BECAUSE :-) and Secondly to just learn to say WHATEVER!! Im not gonna stress it...if he wants me great..if he doesn't I'll deal...So WHATEVER!! to all my friends who read this.... I'm really trying to do the right thing you guys... Thank You for loving me through this. :-) But also for your brutal honesty and trust in me... You are the best friends I could ever ask for....

Happiness of All Kinds

2006-03-28T19:39:00.000-05:00

There is something strange about how such different things can bring the same emotion. I have found that happiness is a treasure that takes little to nothing for me to achieve these days. For instance, I used to have to have the big, huge, major events before I would call myself happy. Now, I soo appreciate just a nice, non-eventful day and a kind word from someone I care about in order to feel that same emotion that used to take sooo much more work to achieve.

I guess with age came the knowledge that I needed to start appreciating the simple things as well as the complicated ones. My week has been full of small events like this and I am sooo thankful :-) Last week was HELL week, and I was soo afraid of the same thing occuring. But it's been REALLY nice. Work wise it's been amazingly busy and hectic and just plain crazy but personally I have had this great time with the man who makes me smile. I laughed more on Monday than I did ALL last week and today he made me laugh again. It's definately true that smiling must release some hormone in your body because I have felt better the last two days also.

I turn 32yrs old in a couple of weeks and Im not looking forward to that so much. But, I am starting to realize that just because I'm getting older that doesn't mean I have to act old or be OLD. LOL I am still reaching for that happily ever after or at least that Happy for now.
Yep HAPPY FOR NOW!! That works for me. Cause you know what?? Life will come at you anyways so just go ahead and grab all those little bits that fly at you that you might miss if you are too busy trying to make the BIG picture better. :-)

Betrayal of the Heart

2006-03-27T20:49:00.000-05:00

Ok isn't it funny how our hearts betray us?? I had every emotion under control to the best of my ability this morning and BAM! One nice word from a special someone and I was back at square one.... LOL It's not that I wasn't overjoyed by the fact that he was sooo nice and that the looks he was giving me wasn't also appreciated, considering they made my tingles zing all over the place... :-)

But I was all prepared for the worst.. and boy was I soo relieved to be wrong... although I should be used to that...Im wrong alot lately.

See there are some people who ( I won't name any names) say I over think things and am a little paranoid. Now why they say that I have no idea, well I do but it's not fun to admit. I do tend to be a pessemist and to expect bad before good. Funny thing is that this man that I expected the worse from surprised me by being nice and funny. I have to tell you that I laughed more today than I did ALL last week, it was soo nice and relaxing.

Alright, I know this was mainly alot of rambling but this is my thought. The nicest surprises come from the unexpectedness of them. So I guess we should always hope for the best and enjoy it when we get what we hope for. :-)

Love or Lust ???

2006-03-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

Do you think men know the difference between love and lust?? I am starting to wonder.

I was 13 the first time I "thought" I was in love and it was with a boy named Brett....LOL oh my goodness I was soo broken hearted when I realized at age 16 he was more in love with basketball than he would ever be with a girl.

I have had an odd week and have been thinking about all the differences that we face being so different from a man...for example: my friend thinks that just because he's told me once or twice before how much he cares, that I should just know it and never wonder if his feelings have changed. Being a woman I know that men change like the wind and so do their feelings...

I have a healthy desire for him physically but I have an even stronger desire for him emotionally..as a woman I just want to know that that feeling is returned. The thing is this, I believe he wants me physically but I don't know where he stands emotionally anymore and he used to make that very clear to me. I really miss that....

Guess I really didn't have anything earth shattering to share tonight..just trying to clear some of my thoughts. I am all for the physical connection but what makes any relationship last, at least in my eyes, will be that emotional connection that makes the world outside disappear....

Am I Just Getting Old??

2006-03-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

It was a Friday night and I just wanted to sit and watch a good movie and to get warm!! Sooo ready for spring and sun and HEAT. :-) Guess that's just part of living in Michigan but can't seem to get used to the cold. Oh well...

Then it dawned on me...I am just plain getting old. LOL I don't want to be though so I now have this thought of me with a full head of grey hair and a cane and I thougth NO WAY...Im not even 32 yrs old yet... It was just the strangest train of thought all night...hahahahha... It was an ok evening if you like sitting in the same room with the person you've been married to for 7yrs and yet not saying but a few words to eachother the whole time.

Really not sure where this is going but I am now just living with a roommate it seems instead of a husband. But he does talk long enough to tell me how selfish I have become so there are bits of conversation every now and then. :-( But he's right to a point. I have found a selfish part of me I guess because I now know that "I" want things other than just other people's happiness. I want to be happy to, not at the expense of others but just to be happy too. I love my kids and I care about my husbands feelings but the fact that I want to make more of myself and I want to live 50+ yrs with someone who will love me through my changes and laugh with me and cry with me and hold me...just doesn't seem a reality for me righ now.

But some day there may be someone who will change with me and love me anyway. And that's the person I want to spend forever with...not the man who only wants what he wants and starts throwing my changing up in my face as though it's a fault or failure on my part.... I'm human and an imperfect one at that.... Guess my first mistake was marrying someone so "perfect" LOL NOT!!

Ok, It's Saturday now and I have got to get studying so I can pass my test in accounting..So, to anyone who is actually reading this...I hope you have a great weekend and that life is full of just as many imperfections as it is perfections. :-)

Realizations

2006-03-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

It was somewhat of a surprise to my friends and even myself to read what I wrote last night. I guess the more I ramble the more my true heart comes out and I ramble ALOT!!

There are times when I think about how I was as a young girl and the difference compared to that as I became a young woman. Now I am becoming a "mature" woman and I have found that I want different things that I would never ever of imagined I would want. I'm not selfish, I don't think, but I now KNOW what I want instead of just reacting to what everyone else around me wants. If that makes any sense. LOL

I guess what Im getting to is that I had a certain idea of the kind of person I would become and the kind of man I would marry and the kind of life I would live. I stuck to that vision up until about a year ago...that's when I finally admitted to myself that that certain life and man wasn't what made me happy. Guess it's because I spent my marriage doin what made HIM happy and putting myself on the back burner...I lost touch with MY friends and somewhere along the way I lost touch with who I was. If someone were to ask me what "I" liked I really couldn't tell ya. It finally dawned on me that I didn't know who "I" was anymore other then wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc....

Ok well I really have rambled on now but I guess the gist of tonights story is this...I want to be a fulfilled woman who is well rounded and who loves and can BE loved in return...and to do that I have to know who I am and what I want....So that is the adventure now...to find myself but not lose my kids along the way..

Wednesdays Are My Only Day

2006-03-15T19:38:00.000-05:00

It seems that Wednesdays are the only day I get to enter any new bloggings. Why is that?? I guess it's because it's the day I usually study so I get time to myself. I don't have much to talk about still cause it seems everything is just so emotional for me. And in that case Im afraid to say too much cause it might make it real??

Ok truth of the matter is that really I don't know what is real in my life and what isn't anymore. I have fallen out of love with my husband, who wants NOTHING to do with me except to try and get sex, which "I" aint giving him. And somewhere in the midst of this I have fallen in love with someone who has become one of my best friends. Now how does that happen?? He and I were just two people who got along so well and then somehow it turned into more... and now for me it is alot more. How do these things happen??? This man is a wonderful person who I believe cares for me but I don't think that he loves me... :-(

I know at least two people who will be reading this and one of them is just gonna want to scream at me for letting this happen.. LOL you know who you are Beck....but try to understand that this wasn't something I went looking for...It just kind of krept up on me. Shell, talk to her k? LOL calm her down and explain that for however long this lasts. He makes me really happy :-)

It's hard to view something objectively unless you have at least been in a similar situation before so try not to think too bad of me. I used to be so holier than thou to those who made mistakes that in my eyes were stupid. But now I know that most people don't choose those mistakes they just come out of the everyday reality of a decision that was made. It's one step at a time that sometimes leads to the wrong staircase. LOL I am now looking back at how hard I was on some of my family, including my sister, and thinking "oh my goodness" I was awful and judgemental towards them. It just goes to show that what goes around comes around. I am soooo sorry for how I treated others and now I am sooo sorry for how others will treat me.

But such is life.....

Reality Hits

2006-03-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

I've been back from Vegas a whole week now and boy did reality hit hard...
I had to start getting up with the kids, and getting up for church, and getting up for work...and there was not anytime for sleeping in.

Guess I got spoiled. Good news is that my kids were just as excited to see me as I was to see them and it's been great playing and spending time with my babies. I am definately looking forward to the weekend and to hopefully sleeping in at least till 8am this weekend.

Don't have alot of time right now but I'll give a full scoop on how fun Vegas was this weekend. Asta La Vista...Oh by the way I started my spanish class...Soooo, I'll probably be practicing on here as well....LOL

Another Day that Wouldn't End

2006-02-23T19:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, did anyone else feel like today was NEVER GOING TO END?????

I have 2 days left till I fly out to Vegas and it seems like it's just never going to get here. I will miss my kids soo much but I will be sooo thankful for the chance to be somewhere where noone knows me. Everyone keeps reminding me that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...well, Im keeping that in mind.

All I know is Im ready for FUN FUN FUN and a little relaxation wouldn't hurt either. Okedoke, Im all out of words for the night....Talk mor to yall later....

Wednesday from HELL!!

2006-02-22T17:53:00.000-05:00

Ok so today felt like the day from Hell!! UGH!! There is no way I ever thought it was gonna get over or get better. But guess what??? It did. On both accounts as a matter of fact. LOL

Ok, I have a friend who I have inadvertently come to love dearly. But see, I didn't know that's what had happened until just this week. Well today I realized just how much of a losing battle that really is...but I can't change how my heart feels...

The improvement to the day was when we were walking out of work together he smiled at me...UGH!! That's awful I know...but I care so much and yet am sooo scared at the same time. But I digress, ok he was very cranky all day and we hardly talked and then after work he finally explained why and being the simpleton that I am...I felt a weight lift off my shoulders just to know that it wasn't ME causing him to be so upset. So, finally my day improved.

Now the "love" part is all on the downlow...there is no way in the world I would ever tell him that because although I believe he cares about me...I don't think he would ever allow himself to fall in love with me...and believe me I am not enticing enough to help him along his way to that...LOL So, I will suffer along in private with the help of my friends. My point is that although it started out ok and turned into the day from hell...it improved to a barable day thanks to the gorgeous smile of a gorgeous man :-)

Ok enough of my rambling....I am now going to put all my energy into getting ready for Vegas...so until then...

Tuesday that never seemed to end

2006-02-21T18:00:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a few weeks since I have had anything to say or even felt like saying anything. Life is very strange with it's ups and downs and as I get older I have found that the way I react to those hills are changing. When I was younger I had to talk about anything that upset me but usually I was pretty mellow about the happy times...Now, the more unhappy I am the less I have to say to anyone. I have found that I just feel bad unloading my crap on others when they have so much of their own to deal with already.

You know what I mean?? Is there really anyone out there who is TRULY happy?? If so could you please let me know because I am sooo not believing in it any more.... Well, enough about me and the glumliness of my life (is that a word?)

I now have an exciting adventure with two of the very best friends in the world to look forward to... :-) Right girls??? Were goin to VEGAS!!! LOL I am hoping that at least for that time I will be able to enjoy life and just let loose and relax. So, I'll keep ya posted.

Hope ya have a good night

Hump Day

2006-02-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

Ok last I wrote my life was a mess but I was in search of happiness come hell or highwater...right?? LOL

Well, Im still in the search but my mood has vastly improved..My friend and I are getting along again which has definately lifted my spirits but more importantly than anything....I have found that Im ok being who I am...

You know, there comes a time in your life when you have to decide to accept who and what you are or you can be miserable hating everything about you and constantly changing, trying to find out the you that makes everyone else happy...But if you really want to find peace and happiness you have to learn to like who God made you to be and what he made you to look like. I know...sounds like alot of rambling..but I was telling one of my best friends at break today that the last week made me take a look at myself and realize that no matter how much I said I wasn't, I really WAS letting my happiness depend on a man. Now, that is not only unfair to me but really that was unfair to him too... :) So, In a way I owe my friend a thank you for making me realize that "I" am the one who has to take care of me...

Well, enough for now...just thought Id let ya know that my mood has vastly improved.

Broken

2006-01-28T11:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I posted but I just didn't have anything to say. I believe that it's a waste of time to say things that you just don't mean. It's too bad not everyone feels that way. I found myself nursing a broken heart for the first time in a very long time. I still feel numb and drained and very sad but I guess it's better it happened sooner than later.

You see I have this friend who swears no matter what he will always be here for me and still be my friend. But, that isn't true, cause we had an argument or disagreement or really Im not sure what happened but I found that it was very easy for him to just shut me out of his life. JUST LIKE THAT and yet for me it hurt. So goes life I guess....I don't know that I will be able to just get over him but I don't have a choice sooo...Here goes nothing.

Sorry that this isn't more of a light hearted entry but in real life you just don't get those very often. I do know one thing...I am stronger than I give myself credit and I am gonna go ahead with life...and that happiness I was talking about before?? Im still gonna find it..it's just that I thought he would be at least a little part of that...boy I am sooo wrong alot lately. :)

Guess I have to just start all over again on finding that little bit of peace that I thought I had found....with me luck...

Strangest Day

2006-01-23T19:31:00.000-05:00

You know, for a Monday today wasn't too bad. But it was sooo strange. It was full of ups and downs and so many emotions that I wasn't sure whether I was coming or going most the time. It ended on a high note though :)

My kids and I watched a movie and went to bed. LOL For most that must seem boring but for me it was relaxing. I love the time I get to spend with them and have learned that I better cherish it cause they are growing soo fast.

Well, not much else to say so good night.

Soo Glad the Week is Finallllyyyyy OVER!

2006-01-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, It's been a while since I have felt this way but I have to say that I am sooooo glad this week finally got over. I am sitting here on a Saturday thinking that I can't remember the last time I actually looked forward to one. LOL

I am still struggling through my accounting homework which is why Im sitting home today. But, you know....I was sooo worried that Im gonna flunk this class and my friend keeps telling me that I don't give myself enough credit. He's right. :) and I don't give him that credit lightly.. afterall he is a man and admitting he's right is like social suicide...LOL

I am soooo much smarter than I thought or admit but I AM!! My life is crazy and a mess...but Im smart enough to realize that only "I" have the ability to fix it...and I refuse to let my happiness depend on ANY MAN!

LOL Ok Im on a soap box today and I'll get down for now but I feel good :) and that hasn't happened in a while.. Have a great weekend Yall.....

Hump Day :)

2006-01-18T18:25:00.000-05:00

You know, my big question is "Am I gowing up or am I growing old?"
I think at this point it doesn't really matter cause it is ALL confusing..LOL With age is supposed to come wisdom right?? Well, Im older but I don't think wisdom has hit me yet...

I haven't mentioned much about my husband and that is mostly because we barely talk at this point. I feel as though today I hit a break through. Found that I just don't WANT to talk to him any more. :) But, for my kids sake I try... Life is strange..

Well, enough doom and gloom from me tonight....I have accounting homework which like I said last night...might as well be another language...and Im NOT bi-lingual...ugh!! But, I will be soon :) Ok night all....

Tuesday January 17th already??

2006-01-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

I am supposed to be working on my homework for my accounting class, but I just don't get it...I mean it's just like reading spanish..I recognize a few words, know a few meanings, but to put it all together to make a full sentence??? LOL Just can't do it.

Ok, soo I must confess....My friend at work that I talk about sometimes...the sexy, brown eyed one?? LOL Wellll...He keeps popping into my thoughts so that is throwing my concentration off as well.. Can't help it though.. I like him alot!!

Now, don't go freakin on me "Beck" LOL It's just that he makes me laugh and I feel sooo relaxed and at ease with him. I want to be around him all the time and feel lonely when Im not. So, I have a problem...:) He, I am sure, can't feel the same right?? But it doesn't matter. Im just venting cause I can't do anything else...hahah...Ok, Well Im gonna try and finish at least one of the homework problems tonight...So, Yall have a good night.

Saturday morning already

2006-01-14T09:55:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday morning already..this week just went so fast. How does that happen?? LOL

I decided that this year would be a year of change right?? Think I said that before, well I went and got red highlights put in my hair and I really like it..:) It's subtle but adds some life to my natural color...I feel like a new woman. ALMOST! hahahha

My daughter really only noticed that there are still grey peaking through that the color didn't hide. Oh well, can't please everyone. Im meeting my cousin for lunch today and it's funny cause that last time I met this cousin was like 10yrs or more ago. So, should give me plenty to talk about when I get home tonight. I have to go get ready so, I'll up date ya on how it went tonight. :)

Have a great day

Thursday still seemed like Friday

2006-01-12T19:35:00.000-05:00

It's funny how quickly the week goes no matter how little fun your having. From what I can tell you can be having the suckiest time of your life and still time is just flyin by.

My husband and I of 7yrs are in the middle of a seperation. I say in the middle because I repeatedly have asked him to leave and yet he still just keeps on coming back. It's like he thinks I mean go out for a while then come on home. Well, I DON'T!!!

I have told him that I need space because all we do is argue and I asked him to MOVE out...that isn't working either...I really wanted to try and keepthings amicable but guess that isn't gonna happen. He asked me if I still love him and if I will ever be attracted to him again. I love him, Yes. Am I "in" love with him still??? No...that was a hard answer to find...but it finally hit me. I find him attractive but Im not attracted to him any more. There are no goose bumps or flutters in my stomach any more just at the sight of him. I feel very sad...

I know one thing though...from now on I am looking for HAPPINESS for me and my kids. So, to the new year I say "Bring on the Joy".

Terrible Tuesday that turned out not so bad

2006-01-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

Tuesday I have heard is the worst day of the week...It's the day after Monday, which everyone expects to go bad and the day before Wednesday, which is hump day and the beginning to the end of the week. Well, my Tuesday over all went pretty good and I just wanted to note that.

Ok, so I have been asking my husband to hook up our tanning bed for 4 months now....I am as pale as a ghost with freckles. And FINAAALLLLYYY it is...but SURPRISE!! it won't come on. LOL So, we are now at the mercy of his brother to make the time to come over and hook up the electrical the right way. UGH!!

Well, tonight is a short one.. Have a good night.

Monday, the longest day ever

2006-01-09T18:56:00.000-05:00

It's Monday night and this day has been the longest day I have ever experienced. I took a half day off work to go to my daughter's kindergarten class for the day. That in itself is an experience everyone even considering having children should try before hand...LOL

Then to make the day complete I took my daughter and son to McDonald's for dinner and to let them burn off some energy at the indoor play ground...I don't know exactly what went wrong but I do know that they seem to have more energy now than they did before we got there. :)

These are my beautiful angels....LOL Well majority of the time I think they are. I am at this point figuring that these are the good times so be happy with with them because they will become rebellious teenagers soon enough.

Of course my daughter has been practicing for that early. Don't know where in the world she got such attitude but boy am I thakful that my little boy is soo easy goin. LOL at least for now because Im sure soon enough he will be just as confusing to me as every other man that exists is. You know, that's one thing I have started noticing as I grow older. Men just don't make sense and Im dreading the point where my baby boy joins the ranks of confusing man hood. LOL Well, for now Im all talked out... Night All :)

Ok Here I am....

2006-01-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

I have been playing around with this whole picture thingy and you know what?? It is not even remotely easy. So, sorry to scare everyone with my picture but this is a test...this is only a test. I promise from now on, no more up close pictures of me :)

Saturday night continued...

2006-01-07T19:15:00.000-05:00

Ok the kids are still wired but I'm tired of Tom & Jerry cartoons...although we did have a little break by watching Scooby Doo....LOL Eventually Im gonna have to watch a show that isn't drawn or characterized. :)

Anyone else out there a General Hospital fan?? Well I have been one since Grandma used to make me watch it with her at 5yrs old :) been watching it ever since but not continuously. During my college years I never saw it. Soooo you would think that not seeing in several years would of left me lost...Nope, I picked it right back up and now I record it on Soap Opera Network and 3am so that I don't miss a day of it. How sad it is really. :)

It's 9:12pm and I am setting here thinking that I wonder what my friend "Techy" is doin right now. He's the sexy, brown eyed charmer I spoke about in my Wednesday posting. LOL It makes me soooo look forward to Monday morning getting here. hahahahha...well, I once again have to take care of the little ones so for now until next time. Night All. :)

Saturday and counting

2006-01-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I missed a couple of days but Saturday is here and you know what?? I still never figured out what to do with it. :) So, I window shopped and then spent time with my kids. I have decided to venture into a new realm of fashion for me. See, I have never worn pants before so I decided to take the leap. LOL

Well, I found some jeans that finally didn't make me look like a stump legged guy :) but now I'm addicted. LOL So, my friend tells me that I need to find some that will fit a little tighter..."For visual effect, not comfort" obviously. So, as my endeavor to find the perfect jeans continues I'll keep you up to date on how it goes.

On the brighter side of things, I have found that a size 2 in jeans actually fits and I can breathe at the same time. LOL Now that makes them worth wearing no matter how stump legged I look. :) I have to go settle my very wired children down then I might come back and ramble for a while longer.

Wednesday that feels like Thursday

2006-01-04T20:18:00.000-05:00

Well I had to wait a couple days before posting a new entry cause I wanted my friends opinion on my adventure in blogging. Overall they were kind, thankfully. You'd be surprised just how hard it is to get your thoughts into writing and still have them making any kind of sense at all.

Although in my case I have been told often enough that even when I'm just saying the words I'm thinking, they still make no sense. LOL some people are just no fun. Well, it's Wednesday but all day I have assumed it was Thursday. How disappointing to find that I have 2 instead of 1 more days to the weekend but then the more I thought about it the more I realized, I'm really not all that excited about the weekend. So, now I'm relieved to find I have 2 more days left to figure out what to do on Saturday. :)

I ramble very well and I guess that's what I'm doing now. But the thing is this, I have a "friend" at work who is gorgeous and he has the sexiest brown eyes so, it makes my week very enjoyable. LOL Guess that makes me tolerate the work week. Plus I get to listen to his deep, sexy voice as he constantly tells me "NO". See, here's the thing. I made the mistake of telling how much that word annoys me so now he purposely finds reasons to say it to me.. hhhmmm. Just like a man. :)

My daughter wants me to come watch American Idol reruns with her so, for now this is it. I may decide to come ramble some more later. Till then enjoy the blitherings of a confused 31yr old. :)

January 1, 2006

2006-01-01T22:39:00.000-05:00

Today is January 1st, 2006 and the beginning of a new year. It dawned on me today that the last 31 years of my life have been wasted in overthinking and underappreciating all that I have been offered in life. So, this year I begin to enjoy everything that I can and to go with the flow.

Now, with that said I have to admit that I am an over thinker and so in the midst of enjoying life I will more than likely still try to overanalyze everything. But the point is to stop worrying about the fact that Im getting older and have not yet accomplished anything.

My 5yr old likes to tell me all the time that I need to have fun. I thought I was. LOL
Boy was I wrong... I have met this man who keeps telling me that up until now I might as well of been carrying a cane or that by 40 I will be.

Well, Im looking forward to proving him wrong and to finding as much joy and excitement as I can in every day. So, here's to the future